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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.